(no subject)

[cryobiological]

Matt's gone.

Matt's gone.

"It's not my fault," she murmurs quietly, over and over like a litany, like she's trying to convince herself.

Because she is trying to convince herself.

She's not supposed to do something stupid like wreck the empty cabin, the way she did when Scott left. The barge had lost its grip on Scott. That's what Jean had said. The barge is a living thing, and it loses people, sometimes. It's not always intentional.

But even if it isn't, even if the barge's grip - such as it is - is random, even if Matt didn't mean to leave ...

Why the fuck does it keep happening to the people she gets close to?

Something heavy lurches in her stomach and she's caught between wanting to slump against the wall, right outside his empty cabin, and just start crying; and unleashing her power at its full force. She still wants to do that. She still wants to, so she doesn't deserve the title she's been bestowed. She doesn't deserve to graduate, not when she still has such violent impulses. Not when she can do so much more damage with the power cap lifted.

Ice spikes form around her hands, but ...

But there's nothing to do with them. Wrecking rooms won't solve anything; it'll just hurt the barge. It'll just break things. It won't even make her feel better.

She slams her ice-covered fist against the wall behind her, letting the pieces shatter, instead of punching a hole through it. "You stupid barge," she mutters, choking on the words as she closes her eyes and tries to ignore the sting behind them. "You stupid, stupid barge."

Jean would help. But she's not here anymore, either. Neither is the other counselor they had for a hot minute. No one is left. This is what she gets for trying to get close to anyone, ever.

Frost wants to shut down and never talk to anyone again. Just keep pushing them all out. Make them all hate her again so she doesn't have to deal with fucking losing people.

Snow wants to find anyone that might remotely consider her a friend and unload everything to them, most likely over a copious amount of alcohol.

She takes out her communicator and her thumb hovers over the entry for Barnes. She scrolls all the way down to Rory. Back up. Back down.

Christ, she let herself fall in love with Matt.

What a stupid, stupid thing to do.